Genocide Hotline

(Lyrics and Music)

Operator: “Genocide hotline. What’s the problem?”

Caller 1: “I’m at the end of my rope. I’m so depressed. I just want to blow my head off and…”

Operator: “Sir, do you want to just blow off your head or say an entire race of heads?”

Caller 1: “Uh, well just mine…”

Operator: “You’re looking for the suicide hotline. This is the genocide hotline.”

Caller 1: “Oh, I’m so sorry…”

Operator: “Genocide hotline. What’s the problem?”

Caller 2: “I’m gonna kill my father. He’s beaten and molested me since I was five and now he got my little sister pregnant and…”

Operator: “Sir, do you want to kill just your father or say everybody’s father?”

Caller 2: “Just mine you idiot!”

Operator: “You’re looking for the patricide hotline. This is the genocide hotline.”

Caller 2: “Thanks for the help – idiot!”

Operator: “Genocide hotline. What’s the problem?”

Caller 3: “I want to kill the king, that tyrannical beast of a man…”

Operator: “Sir do you want to kill just that king or all kings?”

Caller 3: “I’m not sure. How much does it pay?”

Operator: “You’re looking for the regicide hotline. This is the genocide hotline.”

Operator: “Genocide hotline. What’s the problem?”

Caller 4: “My son killed himself after talking to a hotline operator. I could kill ALL OF YOU!”

Operator: “Fantastic! You want to kill all the hotline operators or just…”

Caller 4: “Yes, all of you bastards! You worthless slobs! He was so upset and…”

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Xavier Xerxes: Xavier Xerxes